


We Make Mistakes

by curiouscorvid (prometheanTactician)



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Arguing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 23:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12692457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prometheanTactician/pseuds/curiouscorvid
Summary: He needed attention. That itch drove him towards it, forced him to grasp at it. Positive or negative. It didn’t matter. Anything was better than nothing. So he would make Jon pay attention to him.Even if it hurt.





	We Make Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> This was done for angtsy-firefli's young adult au on tumblr!
> 
> https://ask-youngadultscriddler.tumblr.com/

Edward was antsy. He’d been pacing for hours, mind running a mile a minute, anxiety mounting and itching just under his skin. Jon didn’t react. He didn’t even seem to notice. He was so caught up in his papers and books, hunched over them. His face was so close to the paper Edward doubted he even needed his glasses. He was absolutely oblivious to the world around him and Edward was losing his damn mind.

He was reminded of when he was younger. His parents would mill about around him as if he wasn’t even there, and at first he’d be grateful they’d forgotten about him. It meant a moment’s peace. It meant not being hurt. Then the anxiety would set in. A mounting panic that he couldn’t quite understand, an urge he couldn’t resist. He needed them to pay attention to him. Even if it hurt.

And it always hurt.

He knew he was going to do that now with Jon. He needed attention. That itch drove him towards it, forced him to grasp at it. Positive or negative. It didn’t matter. Anything was better than nothing. So he would make Jon pay attention to him.

Even if it hurt.

He stopped his pacing, glancing around the apartment quickly, looking for something to act upset about. It only took a moment. Most of the apartment was tidy, but the immediate area around Jonathan was an absolute disaster. Empty coffee mugs, discarded papers, piles of books and broken pencils and pens that had run out of ink. Edward would’ve smiled at how easy it would be, if he wasn’t feeling so anxious.

“Jon.”

No answer.

“Jon.” He tried again, more insistently. Jon made a distracted sound of acknowledgement and Edward’s brain itched at the utter lack of thought Jonathan was giving him. His hands clenched against his arms, holding tightly in an attempt to ground himself.

“Jonathan!” He snapped, louder and sterner than he usually was. Jonathan’s pencil stopped moving. His shoulders heaved as he took a deep, long breath, then exhaled slowly. He looked up with a forced calmness that made Edward nervous, but that was overshadowed by the thrill of Jon actually looking at him.

“What.” He practically seethed, upset to have been drawn so suddenly from his work. A part of Edward’s brain, the part that had learned to survive in his abusive household, wanted him to stop. To back off. Edward ignored it.

“Look around you.” Edward continued, hating that his voice shook. He hoped Jon was too annoyed with him to notice. Jon didn’t look around. He just narrowed his eyes.

“Just tell me what you want, Edward. I’m not playing games.” Jonathan seethed, and Edward bristled when met with his tone. He wasn’t a child! He hated it when Jon spoke to him like that.

“I want you to stop being such a slob!” He yelled, gesturing to the mess around his boyfriend. “You’re making a ridiculous mess, Jonathan! Do you want ants?” He asked, gesturing to the empty mugs. “Because that’s how you get ants!”

Jon pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in exhaustion.

“Edward. I will clean it when I am done, as I always do. Now leave me alone.”

“No! It would literally take maybe thirty seconds to get those papers in order. It would take a moment to bring those mugs to the kitchen. God, sometimes it’s like I’m living with a fucking child!”

“Funny, since you seem so keen to act like one.” Jon glared, and Edward stormed closer. Jon stood to meet him, his posture tense but not aggressive. 

“Do not talk down to me, Jonathan!” Edward felt the anxiety be replaced by a thrill. Jon was completely focused on him. His eyes held a cold disdain that made something in Edward want to cry, but it was worth it to have claimed his singular attention.

“Get out of my face, Edward.”

“Get out of your- Oh, I’m sorry, am I bothering you? Am I an annoyance? A disruption?” He hissed, his insecurities bleeding into his act.

“Right now? Yes. You are.” Jon’s hand twitched towards something Edward couldn’t see.

“Wonderful. Not like I’ve never heard that before!” He opened his mouth to continue yelling, but felt a pinch in his neck and the dull ache that came with something being injected into his bloodstream. His eyes went wide as Jonathan pulled the empty syringe back, and he was baffled to see Jon looked just as shocked as Edward felt. He had just a moment to process the hurt and betrayal that came with the attack, right before the world began to blur and warp.

\----

Jonathan took a step back, the syringe dropping from numb fingers. He hadn’t meant to do that. He didn’t want to do that! Why had he done that? He’d been angry, yes, but even in anger he’d never hurt Edward. Even if the other man was being childish and irritating and irrational and ridiculous- Jon would never hurt him.

But he had.

Edward stumbled backwards and away from him, tripping over his own feet and falling hard to the floor. Automatically, Jon reached out to help him up, but Edward just scrambled back on his hands and feet, his eyes filled with panicked tears. His back hit the wall and Jon froze.

“Stay away!” Edward cried, his arms coming up to curl around his head, protecting his face and his brain. “Please- please no- go away-”

Somewhat detached, Jon wondered what sort of monsters haunted the other man. He wondered what he was seeing. What had Edward crying and shaking so violently? A voice in his head told him that it didn’t matter what it was he saw, Jon was the one who had done this. This was all him. His stomach turned and he felt suddenly ill as he watched the usually proud man cower and whimper.

“No- nononono-” He gasped the words desperately between sobs. “I won’t- I won’t do it again- I promise! Please! Whatever I did- I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” His words rose until he was screaming them, but he was cut off by a hard sob and a full-body shudder. “Daddy please- please don’t- please stop-”

Oh God.

“No! No, no! I’ll be good! I’ll be good, I promise!”

Jon felt his blood go cold.

“Not the belt! Please- please- I’ll be better! I promise I’ll be better!”

Jon barely made it to the bathroom in time before he was sick. He rinsed out his mouth in the sink, shuddering at the sharp cries that signalled Edward’s hallucinations becoming violent. He sounded so young, so small and afraid. Fury filled Jonathan at the knowledge that Edward’s father had hurt him, but it was replaced with cold dread when he remembered that Edward was reliving it now because of him.

He leaned heavily on the sink, unable to look at himself in the mirror. He shouldn’t know about Edward’s father. Edward hadn’t told him for a reason, hadn’t been ready for Jon to know. But now he knew anyway. So not only was he forcing Edward to relive childhood trauma, but now he had taken away Edward’s control over what parts of his life he shared with Jon. If Edward lived through this-

Panic hit Jon’s heart running, the next beat after that thought forcing it through his veins. Edward might die. The toxin might kill him. He could die of fright and there was nothing he could do about it.

But maybe there was. He didn’t have an anti-toxin yet, but maybe… maybe he could figure it out in time? Maybe he could stop this. Probably not, but he had to try. He wanted nothing more than to hold Edward close and help him through the terror, but that would only make things worse. Edward would think he was being held down and his brain would panic further. He could do nothing for him.

So Jonathan rushed to his lab and got to work.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but when he heard the door to their home slam shut he didn’t try to stop Edward from leaving.

\-----

Two weeks passed before he saw Edward again.

He showed up in full Riddler costume, and for a moment Jon thought perhaps he was there to kill him. But he walked right past Jon to their bedroom. He’d looked exhausted, Jon noted. Worn down. He followed Edward into the bedroom and watched as he dropped onto the bed, not bothering to change out of his costume.

“Edward-”

“Shut up.” Ed grumbled into the pillow. “We’ll talk in the morning.”

Jon swallowed any response he had to that. He didn’t have the right to argue. He took a breath and left the room, closing the door quietly. He wouldn’t be sleeping that night. As morning broke, he made hot chocolate, multiple mugs as he tried and tried to make it absolutely perfect. Thankfully, he finally managed it by time Edward entered the kitchen. He looked like he’d been in a fight, and Jon wondered how he hadn’t noticed it the night before.

Edward took the hot chocolate without a word and sat across from Jon at the table. He noticed Jon taking in his haggard appearance and looked down at his cup solemnly.

“...I may or may not have gotten into a… bit of a scuffle last night.” He mumbled, taking a sip of his drink before continuing. “They deserved it.” Jon barely managed to hold back a sigh.

“I’m not sure you’re being entirely honest about that.” He replied quietly, as calmly as he could. Edward finally looked at him, and it was possibly the nastiest look the other man had ever given him.

“Fine. Maybe I was just so fucking miserable and frustrated that I took it out on the first asshole to look at me the wrong way. Is that what you wanted to hear?” He snapped, but Jon didn’t rise to the bait.

“You could have just told me that to begin with.”

“Well maybe I didn’t want to, Jon!” Edward yelled, a strange look shining in his eyes. “Did you consider that? Maybe there are some things I just don’t want to tell you! For instance, I didn’t want to tell you about my father!”

Jon opened his mouth, but Edward didn’t give him a chance to speak.

“And I didn’t want to be a fucking guinea pig for your toxin, yet here we fucking are!” Despite the anger and the yelling, Edward looked to be close to tears. Desperate to help, to be able to do something, Jon reached for his hand on the table. Edward jerked it away almost violently. Jon wasn’t sure what he had expected.

“No.” Edward told him with no uncertainty. “You don’t get to do that right now. Not when this is your fucking fault.”

Jon folded his hands on the table in front of him, eyes downcast as he tried to find the appropriate words to say.

“Edward,” He began quietly. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t…” He hesitated, careful in his choice of words. “I never meant for this to happen.” There was a soft desperation in his voice. He needed Edward to know he hadn’t wanted this. He never wanted to hurt him. Edward just scoffed.

“Oh, is that so? You never meant for this to happen.” He sounded mocking, but his voice shook as he spoke. “That doesn’t fucking matter, Jonathan, because it did happen! It happened, and if I have to live with the consequences then goddammit so do you!” The tears shining in his eyes started to spill over as despair overtook anger. Jon wanted to hold him. He wanted to stroke his hair and apologize and tell him… Tell him what? What could he say? There was no way to make this right. Edward let his head fall into his hands, shoulders   
shaking as he fought a losing battle against his tears.

“I thought,” Edward began, and the sound of his voice broke Jon’s heart. Thin and trembling, fragile and broken. He had done this. He did this to Edward and that knowledge killed him. “I thought I could trust you. I thought you wouldn’t hurt me. You were one of the first who didn’t seem to wish me harm. Who just wanted to support and care about me.” Edward ran his hands down his face, wiping his tears and levelling Jon with a look of hollow defeat. “But I was wrong. I was naive to be so optimistic about this.”

Jon wanted to tell him that wasn’t true. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t wish harm on him, that he did want to support and care about him. But didn’t his actions say something different? How could he argue with what he himself had done?

“Maybe…” Edward continued, looking off to the side. “Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. But I didn’t think you would…” His voice dropped to a whisper, as if he were talking to himself. “I never thought you would hurt me. Not you.”

For the first time in years, Jon thought he might start to cry as well.

“Edward,” he was surprised with how destroyed his own voice sounded. He cleared his throat before continuing, trying to stay calm. He didn’t have any right to get upset about this. “Edward, I never intended… I never wanted to cause you harm. It… I don’t know how to explain it. It was just… automatic. I didn’t even realize until…” He had to stop and steady himself, eyes on his hands. He couldn’t look at Edward. “When I saw what I’d done, I… I was distraught. I’ve never regretted something so much in my life. The fact that I’d hurt you made me sick, and all I could do was try to make an anti-toxin. I knew it was useless, but it… it was all I could do.”

“I never wanted to do that, Edward. I understand if you don’t believe me, but maybe you’ll believe me when I say I never want to feel that helpless or guilty again. I care about you, and I never wanted to hurt you, but if you can’t trust that then perhaps you can trust in my own selfishness.” He made himself look at Edward, hoping his sincerity showed in his face. “I will never do it again.” He swore.

Edward took in his words with solemn exhaustion.

“And the information you acquired?” He finally asked, voice completely void of emotion. Just just stared at him, confused.

“...What about it?”

“Will you use it against me?” Edward asked it so calmly, as if it was a completely expected question, but it made Jon jerk upright in his seat, eyes wide with a new horror.

“I- What?”

“That’s why I never told you about it.” Edward admitted with a shrug. Jon felt so cold, a chill settling into his heart as the conversation went on. He shivered. Even before all this… Edward had thought he couldn’t be trusted. That he would use something like this against him. If Edward were anyone else then perhaps he would, but… But Edward wasn’t just anyone.

“I would sooner cut out my own tongue.” Jon wasn’t being melodramatic. He was completely serious, and it brought Edward up short. The younger man bit his lip, considering Jon’s words.

Eventually, he sighed, closing his eyes tiredly.

“Jon?”

“Yes?” Jon’s stomach tied in knots. He was so sure Edward was going to tell him to fuck off, and then walk out.

“Come hug me.” He tried to order Jon to do it, but it just sounded like a quietly desperate request. Jon stood anyway, coming around to Edward’s side of the table just as the shorter man stood. He took Edward into his arms immediately, just as he’d wanted to do since this had begun. He held him closely, comforted by the knowledge that Edward was safe in his arms. Edward held him just as tightly, burying his face in Jon’s shoulder. He was shaking so hard Jon was amazed he was standing. The older man smoothed his hand down his partners back in soothing motions, trying to calm him.

“Would you like to lie down?” He asked gently, the question whispered into Edward’s hair.

“Will you lie down with me?” Just as when he’d been hallucinating, Edward sounded so small. Jon couldn’t imagine how anyone had ever wanted to hurt him. He pressed a kiss to his head.

“I will not leave your side for as long as you’ll have me.” He swore, voice thick with emotion he was never quite sure how to express. They were reluctant to part, still staying close as they headed back to bed. Jon prompted Edward to change into proper sleeping attire rather than remaining in his costume, and as soon as they were beneath the covers Edward curled up against him, practically laying on top of him.

Jon pulled him even closer, pressing gentle kisses anywhere he could reach. Edward started crying again softly, and so Jonathan punctuated each kiss with a whispered apology and praise. Eventually, Edward seemed to exhaust himself enough to sleep. Jon stayed up. He needed to know Edward was safe. He needed to be awake to feel him in his arms, to know he was right there. He couldn’t sleep yet.

It didn’t matter anyway. He’d barely slept in the two weeks Edward had been away.

He was already on his third day in a row, so what was another?


End file.
